Imagine putting all the bad thoughts and anger you have ever projected towards anyone, all the times you have judged somebody and any other unpleasant feelings you have ever repressed into a shadow…then set it right in front of you.
I have been lost in a dark sea of negative emotions the past 1.5 weeks. Feeling weighed down by my heavy ego-controlled heart and overcome with anger, sadness and grief. I really did not enjoy feeling this way so I decided to use this time wisely to re-think and re-evaluate my life. I mustered up all the faith and courage I had to face my pain and to take a closer and honest look at my heart and ask myself “What is wrong?”. In looking to my heart, I did not expect to meet face to face with the monster that appeared to me last night. That monster was my own Shadow self.
This previously unconscious shadow is seeking the light of awareness, and it is calling out for my help. That’s when the dance of romancing my Shadow can begin. When I start romancing my Shadow, I seduce the Shadow figure out into awareness and explore it – Who is there? What is she trying to tell me? Why did she form? What does she need? How can I help her?
I will try and describe how it felt to meet my Shadow self…Imagine putting all the bad thoughts and anger you have ever projected towards anyone, all the times you have judged somebody and any other unpleasant feelings you have ever repressed into a shadow…then set it right in front of you. Your own mirror of all the things you have ever been ashamed of or hated about yourself, right there inside you. Your own karma created by none other than you. I wanted so badly to run, but I knew I could not run from me, and that was one of the most terrifying realisations I have ever had. I felt trapped by my own fears. My heart was pounding, I was anxious and shaky. I kept reminding myself over and over again to try to breathe and relax, but my stomach turned with a dark eerie sick feeling. And as I looked into the mirror in my bathroom, what was staring straight back at me was years and years of neglect, repression and unresolved pain. She was raging mad and I had kept her locked up, sealed, chained and denied like a prisoner – like I was ashamed she existed. At that moment, I was delivered the biggest piece of humble pie I have ever received. This is proof that the truth is not always pretty.
What would I do now that I have seen my awful and wounded ways so clearly? Part of me could not stand to be in my own body consciously knowing these parts of myself. I felt so guilty and ashamed at myself for hurting so many people with my mean and selfish ways. How could I be so cruel and cold? I knew I had to pull myself together and think rationally – and more importantly, from a loving space. Trust me, it was hard. Yet this was darkness and the perfect opportunity for light to shine through.
I needed to decide how I was going to handle this monstrous piece of myself. I knew I could either condemn myself for all I had seen in my shadow, and let it take over my life, or I could use this experience as an opportunity to forgive and accept these ugly and neglected parts of myself I had hidden for what seemed like lifetimes. I decided I would love and forgive these nasty parts of me. I spent many tears feeling the repercussions of my own actions, and much time sending out etheric apologies to all the people I had wronged, silently asking for forgiveness.
I now know, first hand, how everything you do has an imprint on your life and the lives of others. This imprint (or karma) stays with you until you are able to step up and take responsibility for your actions, rectify the situation and clear it. With this new found awareness, I have taken a vow to do the best that I can to be wise and loving in all of my decisions – thinking of all those involved and acting with compassion and thoughtfulness.
I am my Shadow. My Shadow is free. Together, we have birthed into the Light.
“Perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.”
–Rainer Maria Rilke